Femmes in the Wild: Strap-On Sex for Girly Girls

First of all, that shit needs to be cute. As far as sex toys go, a strap-on is the one most likely to leave you feeling more than a little self-conscious; it is, after all, something you wear. For many, getting strapped adds to a sense of might and dominance, things that can make a top feel incredibly sexy. Yet for others, the whole strap-on enterprise is at odds with the play of submission and even femininity, the very things that often make a bottom feel incredibly sexy. Assuming you are long past making an enlightened study of your own personal desire as it functions within the vast queer continuum, feel confident and empowered when expressing your chosen role in sexual relationships, and in doing so have brazenly settled upon “femme” and all its wonderful manifestations, well, then truly enjoying strap-on sex may take some work. 

Luckily, etsy.com is a thing. If you’re like me, the strap-on harness found most commonly at sex toy stores relies a little too heavily on the S&M aesthetic for a hard femme. Etsy stores like Dirty Darlings sell quality, non-black soft leather with embellishments and embroidery. Packing underwear is another option, providing a look closer to lingerie and a variety of fun colors (RodeoH makes my favorite pair of briefs.) As for the dildo itself, it can be a femme turn-off to have a realistic penis (lifelike skin colors, veins, no thanks) but alien colors keeps the thing looking and feeling like something to be played with. For all things rainbow, sparkly, and generally out of the ordinary, Etsy is a good resource again, just make sure the dildo has a solid base so it can be used as a strap-on. 

As for getting down to the brass tacks of strap-on doin’ it, femmes and bottoms can absolutely enjoy wearing the harness and topping their partners, however both should remain conscious of the unique ways this might prove difficult for them. Power play is an important dynamic in strap-on sex and a femme on top may still want to feel submissive. Try laying on your back and having your partner ride you, or have your partner firmly give commands throughout. Wear a skirt, or a lacy bra, or perhaps experiment with a double-ended dildo. As with all things sex, everyone should stay open to communicating about where boundaries and desires lie. I always thought I was far too girlie for strap-on sex, but it turns out I love giving it just as much as receiving. Life is full of surprises. 

R. is a Los Angeles based writer with a cat sleeping on her stomach for most of the day. She’d gay marry Ellen Page in a heartbeat.

Image credit: MadEmoiselle Sugar / Creative Commons

 

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