Three’s Company

When my boyfriend and I were living 50 miles apart for two years and operating on a weekend-only schedule, we were each involved in a separate weekday relationship: me with my vibrator; he with his hand and the girls in the porn he downloaded off the Internet. 

We finally took the plunge into cohabitation and as I was unpacking my vibrator into its new home in the top drawer of my new lingerie dresser, my boyfriend gave me a hurt, quizzical look. 

“What, you’re not going to masturbate anymore? Not even in the shower?” 

“No,” he said, deadpan. 

Because I freelance out of our home and he works down the street, we’re literally free to have sex on a Tuesday at lunch if we so please. Apparently, my boyfriend took this newfound sexibility as the end of the need for our “other” relationships. 

I didn’t see it that way. 

For men, I imagine masturbation is like eating a turkey burger: A bottle of lube and their hand a less satisfying substitute for the touch of a woman’s hands, mouth or vagina. A woman on the other hand, doesn’t have to settle for her fingers and a vibrator isn’t just an imitation penis. No man wants to hear that his lover’s battery-operated sex toy can do things to and for her that he can’t, but that’s ultimately what I told mine. 

Of course I don’t prefer my vibrator to him or sex. It’s just that while sex is complicated—layers upon layers of emotion and pleasure, intentions and even potential consequences—my vibrator is easy. It knows where I like it and how I like it. It can do the job quick if I want it to be, without notice and with minimal clean up. Obviously, unlike the penis, it can vibrate. And most importantly, my vibrator is not concerned with reciprocation or mutual orgasm: It’s all about me. 

I can finally have my boyfriend for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But sometimes a girl still needs a cup of coffee or a snack to get her through the day. 


Jessica May is a freelance writer happily living in sin with her boyfriend and vibrator like “Three’s Company.”  

photo credit:  Antonio MaloMalverde via Creative Commons



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